Few steps forward, one step back

Mr N left today for a 3 day hike and already l am stressing. It all started Wed after the kids had their swine flu/flu vax's. By 6pm that evening Master N was like a drunk and so tired he could not walk straight nor even stay awake. And for him that is very unusual. Put it down to a side effect of the vax. So off to bed where he slept for an hour.

So after a few steps forward (few good weeks not stressing or suffering from anxiety), l am now one step back. And it had to be the weekend Mr N is not around.

What set it off?

I think it may have been walking in to pick the kids up on Thursday from the ELC and being welcomed by an unpleasent odour. Wasn't till one of the teachers appoligised saying one child had just thrown up ( and l think she meant literally). Something l just didn't need to know at all.

So since then l have been stressing and thinking -ve. Not as bad as l was a few weeks ago and l do not want to go back there. Ever.

I hate Satan and his evil plans. But Praise God, that l am a child of God and that l know God is bigger then anything and loves me and is always with me helping thru dark and struggling times. I know all that but l need to put it into practice and fight Satan with the armour of God, and with praise and worship, and even speaking the Word out aloud.

I was looking forward to this weekend on my own with the kids, but now it doesn't seem to be an end to it. I just want to flee, where to l am not sure but at the moment away from the kids... it has been a struggle today. I just want to cry, or scream out and l don't feel l am in control of these thoughts or worries... I hate feeling like this and how silly is it to feel like this even when it is not necessary.

Doesn't help that l have no voice and l can't even talk to the kids, or that they both have coughs so everytime they cough l stress.... I can't think like this when all l think l wish they were not here so l didn't have to stress. I am sure them not being here would not let me stress any less.

I keep thinking that they could catch the illness the child had on Thursday and will be sick either Saturday or even Sunday. I can't get it out of my head.

But l know what battle l am facing and l know who l am fighting against and the best of all l know who is on my side helping me fight this battle.... God. All i need to do is give ALL to him and not try and fight this all on my own.

But anyhow that is where l am now. Sorry if it makes no sense... it doesn't make much sense to me either.