Lest we forget

Anzac Day always moves me to think what everyone who was involved went thru. Whether fighting overseas, whether having a son, daughter, father, mother or loved one fighting, and all those young lives lost. I don't think we can ever truely understnad what it was like, what they saw, l am sure they would want no-one to experience what they did. But we can be thankful for what they did and all for us.

I would love to take the kids to an Anzac day service when they are a little older so they can experience it all. I would love to go to Gallipoli and experience the very moving Dawn Service and be where the battle took place.

I just hope Anzac day hold a special place in Australians hearts when my children are all grown up. There are not many Anzacs alive today and l hope when they are in their final resting place that we will still remember them and they will hold a special place in our nation.

Today is a special day, not one for celebrating but one for reflecting and remembering all those brave souls and what they did for us.

ANZACS

Happy Easter Everyone.

Just wanted to wish you all a very Happy and Safe Easter.

Few steps forward, one step back

Mr N left today for a 3 day hike and already l am stressing. It all started Wed after the kids had their swine flu/flu vax's. By 6pm that evening Master N was like a drunk and so tired he could not walk straight nor even stay awake. And for him that is very unusual. Put it down to a side effect of the vax. So off to bed where he slept for an hour.

So after a few steps forward (few good weeks not stressing or suffering from anxiety), l am now one step back. And it had to be the weekend Mr N is not around.

What set it off?

I think it may have been walking in to pick the kids up on Thursday from the ELC and being welcomed by an unpleasent odour. Wasn't till one of the teachers appoligised saying one child had just thrown up ( and l think she meant literally). Something l just didn't need to know at all.

So since then l have been stressing and thinking -ve. Not as bad as l was a few weeks ago and l do not want to go back there. Ever.

I hate Satan and his evil plans. But Praise God, that l am a child of God and that l know God is bigger then anything and loves me and is always with me helping thru dark and struggling times. I know all that but l need to put it into practice and fight Satan with the armour of God, and with praise and worship, and even speaking the Word out aloud.

I was looking forward to this weekend on my own with the kids, but now it doesn't seem to be an end to it. I just want to flee, where to l am not sure but at the moment away from the kids... it has been a struggle today. I just want to cry, or scream out and l don't feel l am in control of these thoughts or worries... I hate feeling like this and how silly is it to feel like this even when it is not necessary.

Doesn't help that l have no voice and l can't even talk to the kids, or that they both have coughs so everytime they cough l stress.... I can't think like this when all l think l wish they were not here so l didn't have to stress. I am sure them not being here would not let me stress any less.

I keep thinking that they could catch the illness the child had on Thursday and will be sick either Saturday or even Sunday. I can't get it out of my head.

But l know what battle l am facing and l know who l am fighting against and the best of all l know who is on my side helping me fight this battle.... God. All i need to do is give ALL to him and not try and fight this all on my own.

But anyhow that is where l am now. Sorry if it makes no sense... it doesn't make much sense to me either.

Today's Adventure

Well after yesterdays adventures, 2 dr trips but no, no-one was ill but the first trip the kids were off to get their swine flu/flu vax's and then l decided it would be a good idea for me to get the flu shot as well. So went back in the afternoon when they had a flu clinic. They now combine the swine flu and flu vax together.

Kids were very brave and didn't even cry and got a jelly bean and a glove for them to blow up and have as a balloon. They thought the glove idea was very funny. By later afternoon they had some side effects from the vax's. Master N was like a drunk, and could not walk straight and could not even keep his eyes open. He was so tired, so off to bed he went and was soon awake an hour later and feeling better.

Miss T was fine and had her silly hour and then yep fell asleep in the middle of her dinner. Mr N said she stated " Daddy l love cheese" and he answered her, he saw she was fast asleep.

Happy to report both are fine today and still up and running around and giggling now even tho it is past their bedtime.

Anyhow was supposed to be talking about today's adventures. I am a little sore today from the flu vax (well my arm is) and some mild flu symptoms but l still headed out on a mission to find Master N a birthday gift. He is not turning 5 till May but l am Miss Organised and also we are getting our puppy (SQUEAL ... no not the name of the dog but l am squealing as l am so excited about getting her).

Yes we are getting the puppy in a few weeks so we have to be organised with everything else first.

I think one of the biggest challenges is walking into a toy shop and trying to find a almost 5 year old a present. They want everything, but they are at that age where everything is not suitable for them. He is into spiderman and Transformers but no idea why as he has never seen them on tv or anything, but l suppose every young boy goes thru the "superhero" stage in their life.

So after wandering around i ended up getting the "Guess Who" game and "connect Four" game. I have seen him playing them at the ELC. Then saw the perfect "Transformer" hoodie in a shop that l knew he would love. So l am part way there in his gifts.

He is at the stage of loving to colour in and got a HUGE colouring in book, which is also a search and find so l know that will def be a hit. Next was thinking some special pencils (like derwents) for him as he is a BIG boy now. I still have my derwent set from when l was a kid. All 36 pencils or however how many is in there.

Winter pj's were also on sale so the kids got a few new pairs. I have a thing for pj's and love mine. I think they should make pj's a daily fashion. I would wear them all day, they are just so comfortable.

Sigh think l may even go and jump into my pj's now.

time has passed

Been quite some time since my last post. Life has been busy for me here and when l have had time l have had a "blog block" and just not been able to write, let along think what to write. I was worried l had lost my knack for writing (not that it is ever exciting but great for me), and even for my photography. I have lost my knack for that too lately. I am sure l will find it, it has to be hidden away somehwere, maybe hidden amongst all that washing l have to iron.

But my latest challenges l believe l am free from. Praise God. Some of you may know we had the church camp on over Labor day weekend and Mr N had been the orgainser for it. We got down there a few days earlier then everyone else to enjoy some family time down there.

Well the day before everyone got down there l was challeneged, Mr N woke feeling tired and achey but otherwise good. He still played with the kids and we spent the afternoon down by the beach. Not sure if he had too much sun or what but he came back with a headache, and went to lie down. I ended up taking the kids away from the tent so he could rest and took them for a walk.

Later met him and he told me he had been ill, so went to the dr, and he waited there as they were to get the ambulance to come down to get him as he could not keep anything down and we did not want that camping in a National Park. I took the kids back and started to stress about how l was to cope on my own and hoping no one else got (ie the kids).

I had the kids in the shower and Mr N had come back to our site, they had checked him over and said he was ok and they would not admit him to the hosptial (which was a 45min drive away thru the mountains), so to just fight it out overnight.

So he had planned so sleep in the car, couldn't have him up and down in the tent all night. But soon he was throwing up even more and it was worse as he could not keep anything down, he was hot and cold, and just so lucid. So he called the ambulance again and they ended up taking him away at 11:30pm and he spent the night in the hosptial. Was a blessing he was on a drip.

I was stressing and feeling ill myself but had called the pastor of our church (who was coming down the next day) and he prayed for me and l felt an lift from the burdens right there and then. Since that time l have not really stressed over the kids or Mr N about being ill.

The power of prayer does work.

I ended up picking up Mr N that next morning and he had fully recovered by that late afternoon/early evening when everyone else had made their way down to join us.

So God is good and does answer prayers.

Joy.

Life has been great since l last wrote. Yesterday was a great day, and yes l thought about my fears but they did not worry me one bit. It was more like why would l need to worry about things like that. There is more to life then worrying.

As l have said in previous posts l have been reading Joyce Meyer's book "Battlefield of the Mind" and it is a brillant read.I am up to Chapter 12, which is about An anxious and Worried Mind. Very appropiate for me at this time of my life. Phil 4:6 keeps coming to me where-ever l am and is a well known verse but one l need to put into practice. Maybe that is why l keep reading it or hearing it.

Doesn't God has a funny sense of humour. Its like they say that you need to hear things (when learning) 7 times before it is remembered. So l need to hear the same bible reading or message before l remember it or take it in. I read a verse and it will stand out to me and l will hear it a few times that week. Must be something of importance that God wants me to hear, so l take more note.

I also have been doing a little daily devoation that was sent out from Light Fm radio station and has a little reading each day with a bible verse. Each week has a topic and this week's is temptation. I have to say each week has been on a topic that l have just needed to hear in that time of my life.

I have had "Get up with God" which was about being joyful, trusting in God and yes Phil 4:6 did come into one day of it. Then we had "Why is God so trustworthy", "rewards of waiting on God", "spiritual battle" (very good for me at the moment) and l am now doing "temptation" (also another good one).

I really enjoyed reading about temptation and how it can take us away from God's Word, and it can become very additctive in our lives the more we are tempted.

Then reading Battlefield of the mind, has been good too and uplifting. Its amazing how when you spend time in the Word the more joy you have and the more you feel like you can face any battle that may come into your path.

So life is looking up and God is good.

de-cluttering

Well its come to that time in my life that l need to de-clutter. Mostly in my life there are a lot of changes l need to make. I can't just expect God to do it all if l don't put any effort in trying myself.

I am now spending more time with him by reading the word and thru music (as l said in my last post) and l can see that is helping with the negatives in my life. But l also have been challenged to give some things up or set a limit on them.

So first l de-cluttered facebook and got rid of some people on there. Some who are never on there or whom we don't even communicate on there, and sorry to say some who are very negative in life. It's just not helping my life and my struggles.

I was doing really well the other day with my anxiety until l got onto facebook and saw a few people who have gastro/virus and there went my postive thoughts as soon as l saw it. So l hid their posts. Horrible it sounds but it the little things like that that are setting me off and then l just go downhill. I am sure those who have been there can understand what l am saying.

I am also trying to limit my time on the net and doing more with the kids and family. Yesterday afternoon we spent some time down on the Yarra River feeding the ducks and then playing in the park, then went to meet Mr N at the library and came home. Poor Miss T was worn out but we all had a ball and it meant my mind being busy on enjoying time with my children.

And now the kids are at kindy l am making the most of it and de-cluttering the house (well their rooms) have spent all morning in there. But looks great.

Now lunch is calling me.

Trusting in God

Hello all,

Been a while since l have been in here. Life has been good. Been battling my battles with the help of God, and can happily say l am getting there. Spending more time with God in music and the Word and really enjoying it. Also been reading the Joyce Meyer book which is helping a lot esp with understanding how our mind work, and how negative thoughts can really bring us down in life.

Isn't it amazing that when you spend time with God and read his Word, you start to hear it more and more where-ever you go. I have been reading about trusting in God, having faith in him and that was today's message. I guess its God's way of wanting you to hear it more and more, and to be blessed by it.

But l am battling my fears and anxiety (about the health issues or non-issues) and sure one day is good and the next the enemy will attack when l am down. But l know l can get thru it with the help of God and my good friends and family.

Happy Birthday to me.

Happy Birthday to me. It has creapt up on me. I am finding now birthdays come and they are not as exciting as they used to be. The lead up to birthdays were always filled with anticipation and excitment and now they are filled with dread, not sure why that is. Maybe Because

1. We are turning another year older, and to be honest once you turn 30 its not quite exciting as being say 21.

2. Having kids you tend to focus more on their birthdays and tend to put more effort into theirs to make them special and unique.

However l am now another year older and l am sure another year wiser. Wiser in what l am not sure but l am sure it is there.

8 years Today.

I can't beleive 8 years have flown by, and in a way l also look at as if to say " what only 8 years together. Feels like a lot longer then that.

Maybe its because we have achieved so much in the last 8 years.

Let's go back.....

We met at P and M's wedding. Their plan was to set us up in the bridal party. I thought you were a lovely guy but wasn't too keen at the time as l had another admirer (well 2) that l was trying to get thru to them l was just not interested. I was at the stage of my life where l had said to myself and to God that the next man l dated would be the one l married.

I was sick of being hurt and used and it was helping. So at that stage l would be friends with guys but no more till l had felt this was the "man" God had chosen for me. Compared to the other 2 admirers you stood out. You showed respect for my wishes and were patient and did not pester or push me. Nor were you moody. That all impressed me a lot.

We used to see each other every Monday, just as friends. We would go for a drive and grab a bite to eat. We used to talk and be very open with each other ( l miss those times now... gets harder when you have a family). I could tell you everything. You never judged me, you understood me and when you didn't you were patient to try and understand me. You supported me and that meant the world to me, l never forget the things l could not tell you in person, l wrote down in a letter. I could never imagine how ti would effect you, but loved your idea of being together and burning the letter. It was a symbol the past was the past and you and l were the future.

I remember the night l knew you were the man God had chosen for me to marry. You took the wrong turn, l knew you had taken the wrong turn, but did not care. For all the time with you was special. We were having fun singing in the car when God spoke to me. It frightened me a bit but also relief as l knew what sort of guy you were and felt blessed that God had chosen someone like you.

We started dating on the 13th October 2000, it was a Friday and some say Friday the 13th is bad luck. Just as well we do not believe in that rubbish.

You soon proposed 4months later on my birthday in Feb and we started to plan our wedding for Feb 2002.

Now we are in Feb 2010, 8 years later. The things we have achieved : (not in order)

* As well as planning our wedding we also had our house built which was finished just before we got married.

*We spent 3 weeks travelling in Tassie on our honeymoon. Wonderful time and a wonderful place... lets go back for our 10 years.

* Spent 6 weeks driving up to Darwin.

* Had our first child a boy.

* did an extension on our house.

* did all the hard work in doing the garden and grass on our block.

* Found a new hobby to enjoy together 4x4ing.

* Had our 2nd child a little girl.

* Took the kids to Queensland and spent 3 weeks camping.

* Took the kids to South Australia for 3 weeks.

* spent many wonderful trips 4x4 ing around Vic.

And thats all in 8 years. I wonder what we will do in the next 8 years as we enjoy our time together and as a family.

I love your romantic surprises, i love how your handy with your hands and make beautiful gifts, i love how you are understanding and patient. There are so many things l love about you and l could be here all day telling you.

I look forward to the next 8 years and then the next and the next and even the next.

Happy 8 years my love.

Anxiety

I have been suffering this on and off lately just small things but it certainly makes my days long and can even over take the thoughts, and feelings l am having. Its hard esp when it has to do with the kids. I thought being a stay at home parent is the best years of your lives.... but lately l just wish they would hurry up and grow up and be able to take care of themselves to some extent.

The anxiety i have been getting is to do with their health. I have a fear of vomit, l hate it and can't deal with it. Ever since Christmas 2008 when we all had our gastro thats when it started or thats when l first really noticed it. But every time the kids are quiet or whingy l am thinking they are ill and may even be sick. Doesn't help now that miss T is somewhat car sick, but thankfully only on windy and dirt roads (together) doesn't make 4x4 ing much fun tho when l sit there and stress over it when it is not even worth stressing over it.

I am sure there are others out there who suffer from this and will understand what l mean and to how it can be so tiring and draining.

But l have hope. Beinga christian l know nothing is too big for God. Also in a way l think it can be a wake up call with God trying to get my attention and also (satan) dragging me down. I have a great friend/sister from church who has been helping me. She is such a postitve and warm person so full of energy that just talking to her helps (even if it is on FB) as l find one-one communication very hard when l am talking about myself (esp when so deep).

I also struggle with talking about myself as to me if l admit l am struggling then it is like saying l am not in control of myself and my life. I guess that is also why l am not one to cry in public even in front of Mr N. I just don't do it.

But l also know in doing this l am becoming a more sad (not depressed tho l have my moments), angry and agitated person esp witht he kids and other daily experiences such as driving a car. I don' t want to be that type of person. I want to be a person that others look at and think "shes such a happy person who loves life" I want what she has.

Sure l am like that to an extent but l think the other issues are clouding them over.

I got a book today by Joyce Meyer, l love to hear her messages and can relate to her. For those who do not know her she is a christian speaker/preacher (from the USA) and the way she connects to her audience is with humour and her own life stories makes you relate to her. Anyhow she has a book that l have been meaning to read called "Battlefield of the mind".

I know l also need to not spend so much time on/at places where my anxiety can grow such as the internet, FB, EB and other places like shows l should not watch etc... It doesn't help me.

But l am sick of being moody esp to my wonderful family. I used to be a person who loved life and loved God. Sure l still do but things that l need to step away from are over taking that good things. But l know with God all things are possible.

I have my faith to get me thru. I need to use it more and get to know it more.

Push the negatives out

This was my plan this year, l am slowly getting there. What l wanted in life this year was to stop thinking negative thoughts. Not everything is negative and not everything will turn out negative if you look for the positives in life. Its hard and its a challenge but l am getting there.

Hard when most of my life l have thought negative thoughts, from low self esteem to other. It does not help that l am shy and find it hard to make good friends. Sure l have a lot fo friends but not really any more Best/Close friends since l have been married. Not that l blame Mr N at all for any of this. I just think as life gets busier with family and married life there is not much time or energy left for friends or making new friends. Not just in my life but in others too.

Thats one reason for this blog, to vent or express myself when l feel the time needs it. I can't always lean on Mr N to talk to or reason with. He has enough to deal with and does not always need my random banter about nothing and everything.

Also l have the most influence on my 2 wonderful children and l need to set them a good example and not negative.

I am sure others out there understand what l am talking about, and may even feel the same way at times. Sure l am not always like this, but get this way a lot when l am down or upset by waht someone has said (yes l am very sensitive). All l want is for people to like and love me.

Almost back to normal life... but its going to get busier

Mr N went back to work this week, and it had to be Monday the hottest day of the year so far for him to get public transport into work. We all know what Melbournes trains are like on a hot day, there are more cancelled then those running. But luckliy he got there and back ok.

Also Master N went back to the ELC on Monday and his first year in 4 year old kinder. He was so excited about going back. Miss T was a little confused as she ususally goes the same day as him and did not really understand that he now goes 2 days a week.

She had her turn on Thursday, as they both went Thursday. Thankfully it was a lot cooler that day and they were able to play outside at the ELC. They love being outdoors and able to run around and there is also a lot more exciting toys to play with and on that we don't have at home. I wouldn't mind going back to kinder... ah those were the days.

I have been out and about usually with my camera in tow and trying to get a photo a day for a challenge this month called "photo a day"... its been interesting and l have been happy with most of the shots l have taken.

Master N has been a challenge lately and testing... its take a lot out of you at the end of the day. He could go all day... He has had a lot of "time outs" not him himself as they don't work on him but we take away say his dessert or no treat at the shops or one we have found that really works is no Wii games.. He loves the Wii and loves playing. Glad we have found something that now works.

Well its Friday and l am worn out... been cleaning the house... well gave our room a good clean and went thru the chest of drawers and got rid of a lot of Mr N's clothes he no longers wear or are old and worn out. And then cleaned the ensuite, and slowly made my way down but l never seem to feel like l have achieved anything. Anyone else feel like that. Its hard to be in two places at once.. 1 keeping an eye on the kids and 2. trying to clean esp in another room from them.

Just means now tomorow morning l will continue and at least with Mr N at home he can keep an eye on the kids.

Well l think l am off to bed, my eyes are struggling to stay open, and l love to end the night in bed with a good book.....

Till next time.

first post for 2010

Summer is def here, and we are in for a hot spell over the next few days. Nice to sit back and relax. Had a shocking end of the year, which meant missing out on Christmas again and had a quiet New Year all thanks to gastro. I came down with it a week after Miss T had it and was so sick for a week. Could not keep anything down, and ended up throwing up adn then sucking on an icy pole everytime l threw up. Hope not to see that evil illness again for a long time. I want to enjoy Christmas 2010. But here is to a New Year and a stay at home mothers ramblings.... Hope you will stay tuned to my rambles and please l would love some comments... don't feel so on my own when people comment.